Compassion is the feeling or act of showing sympathy and understanding towards others.

For most of us, it is much easier to express compassion towards others than it is towards ourselves.

Self-compassion can be described as extending compassion to one’s self in instances of perceived inadequacy, failure, or general suffering. 

‘Self-compassion is simply giving the same kindness to ourselves that we would give to others.’ Christopher Germer

Qualities of self-compassion

• Patience
• Curiosity
• Kindness

American psychologist Kristin Neff has defined self-compassion as being composed of three main elements – self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness.

Self-kindness: Self-compassion entails being warm towards oneself when encountering pain and personal shortcomings, rather than ignoring them or hurting oneself with self-criticism.

Common humanity: Self-compassion also involves recognizing that suffering and personal failure is part of the shared human experience rather than isolating.

Mindfulness: Self-compassion requires taking a balanced approach to one’s negative emotions so that feelings are neither suppressed nor exaggerated. Negative thoughts and emotions are observed with openness so that they are held in mindful awareness. Mindfulness is a non-judgmental, receptive mind state in which individuals observe their thoughts and feelings as they are, without trying to suppress or deny them.

What are the blocks and obstacles towards self-compassion?

Recognising the existence of that quality or resource within us that can demonstrate or be compassionate towards others, therefore accepting that if that quality exists, we can apply it towards ourselves.

That can be the challenge – learning to allow and accept self-compassion. 

Judgemental thoughts, for example: ‘I’m not worthy of accepting self-compassion’, or ‘I don’t deserve it’ or ‘I don’t need it’, or similar comments whispered in our ear by our inner critic in critical or harsh tones.

Emotional resistance presents in the form of feelings of guilt, selfishness, or general uncomfortableness. 

Behaviours involve keeping busy, focusing on everyone else, avoidance, and procrastination.

Our upbringing, underlying limiting beliefs, life experiences, values or again our culture can result in creating the blocks and obstacles to showing ourselves compassion.

Ways to begin to develop self-compassion towards ourselves:

While some people come by self-compassion naturally, others must learn it. Luckily, it is a learnable skill.

In his book, The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion, Harvard psychologist Christopher Germer suggests that there are five ways to bring self-compassion into your life: via physical, mental, emotional, relational, and spiritual methods. Germer and other experts have proposed a variety of ways to foster self-compassion. Here are some examples:

• Comfort your body. Eat something healthy. Lie down and rest your body. Massage your own neck, feet, or hands. Take a walk. Anything you can do to improve how you feel physically gives you a dose of self-compassion.
• Write a letter to yourself. Describe a situation that caused you to feel pain (a breakup with a lover, a job loss, a poorly received presentation). Don’t blame anyone but acknowledge your feelings.
• Give yourself encouragement. If something bad or painful happens to you, think of what you would say to a good friend if the same thing happened to him or her. Direct these compassionate responses toward yourself.
• Practice mindfulness. This is the nonjudgmental observation of your own thoughts, feelings, and actions, without trying to suppress or deny them. When you look in the mirror and don’t like what you see, accept the bad with the good with a compassionate attitude.

Summary

It is not selfish to care for ourselves and cope with our suffering. 

If you don’t know how or what to start to practice to begin to develop self-compassion or think that your inner critic of self -judgement prevents you, or perhaps you feel undeserving of these acts, then do please get in contact to have a chat about how 1 to 1 coaching can help and support you to overcome these blocks or obstacles. 

Self-compassion is one of the greatest gifts we can give to ourselves and our loved ones. My hope for you is that you choose to practise self-compassion every day and enjoy the benefits it gives us.